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Left Bereft

My friend T gave me a piece of wisdom that I have turned over in my head several times since I received it. When a person offers their partner support in a difficult time so they can get back up on their feet and thrive, they must do it unconditionally. Upon successful recovery, the supportive partner should not look at the outcomes they helped achieve and feel betrayed saying - this is not the goals I wanted you to fulfill when I supported you. What about the goals that matter to me and you could not fulfill then but can now. When will it be my turn. 

The answer to that can be your turn will never come because your goals are not my goals or at least not in the priority that you have in mind. You supported me in a difficult time and wanted me to thrive - I did. That alone should be the reward. If the person is feeling betrayed chances are they over-rotated on the support in terms of their emotional investment and subconsciously (at least) imagined what would lie on the other side after the struggles were over. That vision of the future when it is at complete odds with reality, they are unable to see the situation as anything but deep betrayal. 

It could be to the point of invalidating the whole relationship and experiencing loss of identity. T is no professional therapist but she is one of those quiet, observant types that has brilliant insights that the rest of us missed because we were talking and not taking notes as we lived our lives. All of what T had described I have experienced a couple of times in my life and yes, I did feel like I did know who I was anymore and if any of what I was doing was right.

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