I worked with F for about a year and she was an interesting person. We did not have a lot in common but I liked the she did not hesitate to ask hard questions, challenge what did not make sense or push back on process that did not add value. She had some fans but the consensus opinion was she would not last too long - and she did not.
Our mutual co-worker and her long-time friend T told me recently that F had unexpectedly become a widow. Her husband had died under tragic circumstances and he was not yet forty. I knew F but wasn't sure if I knew her well enough to send her a note. After some hesitation I checked in with T who assured me that F would be very glad to hear from me. So I summoned up and wrote her what I genuinely felt but there is almost no way to strike the right note under the circumstances. I knew nothing about the deceased or what F's relationship with him had been like.
I also could not tell how F might be processing her grief and loss as people are different. She had been tied to a small mid-western town because her husband worked for the county and also needed to be close to his ex-wife given shared custody of their children. One way to see this death could be new possibilities for F and her child with him. The world is her oyster - this kid could grow up anywhere in the world now and have the opportunities she could never come by in her town. F can find the job she loves and not stick with the only available options in her town.
But as acquaintance from work sending a condolence message, these are not the things I can say to her. What if this man was the love of her life and no matter what joys and rewards come her way here on out, no one and nothing can fill that aching void. She could be bereft forever. Maybe the kid will never stop missing her father and not allow any other man to play a paternal role in her life. In those circumstances, any messaging that does not focus on the enormity of loss and solely on the loss will not be well-received.
I erred on the side of caution and said the banal sounding things people who are relative strangers to the bereaved end up saying at such times for reasons similar to mine. This experience brought to mind a conversation I had with a relative when our cousin passed away. She was young, had been ill for a long time and we all knew that her marriage was source of great stress - which did not help with her lingering illness. So this relative did not hesitate to tell my aunt (her mother) that death has delivered her from both physical illness and mental anguish - that we should just pray for her soul to be at peace, there is nothing to mourn. If anything this was the best thing that could have happened to my long-suffering cousin.
It was a tough message and for an outsider a very thoughtless one too. But for those who knew both deceased and bereaved, it was the exact right thing to say - and so everyone was better off. My aunt got the jolt she needed to process the tragedy and frame it more realistically. My message to F was possibly the worst of all worlds - it was likely out of place and out of turn, untethered from the realities of her life and her husband's passing. It was just a pointless thing in a time when the person had no capacity for that.
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