I had heard of Bibek Debroy but have read any of his writing except this obituary he wrote a few days before his passing. His recollection of conversations between him and his sons who live abroad and want to know if they should hop on plane in time of a parent's health crisis. The words they hear back, most expat kids have heard from their parents. There is nothing going here than you can solve by coming over, you will be more hindrance than help since you don't know how things work here. There will be a time when you need to rush but this is not the time.
As it almost always happens, that time when one must rush is the last time. Parents do not want to impose, act needy and be an impediment. They played a significant role in the the child's immigration journey through their support and encouragement - it is like an investment they really want to work out. What working out means can get very distorted over time and the cultures start to diverge between parent and child. The parents continue to evolve in the native land, they remain socially current and relevant there. The expat kids are fossilized in a time and place that has long disappeared and their evolution is occurring in a different place and pace entirely.
Why indeed can't a middle-aged empty-nester, well-established in their career rush home sometimes even it is not the highest order of crisis and why must a parent be near-death for it to warrant it. From personal experience, I believe the reason this happens is the drifting away of parent and child to the point they have almost nothing in common and rely on a combination of mutual goodwill, filial duty and parental concern to keep things together. It is easier for both sides to stay in contact and communicate with each other from afar and not have to be in each other's physical presence.
The desire not to rush in is not on account of the person having such pressing responsibilities that simply cannot break off. At some level the parent knows this too but they would rather pretend their child is busy because they are doing such meaningful, world-changing, consequential work. It is a much better explanation than acknowledging the reality of how the relationship is really not able to withstand frequent and on-going in-person contact.
There are those that perform their annual pilgrimages to India to execute their obligations and ensure the parents are well-provided for in all respects including physical time together. I admire such people and their parents for being able to make it all work - such is not the case for the rest of us. Those that are showing up and being counted at a reliable, predictable cadence hold the moral high-ground, I think. They have managed to reduce the drift and separation by holding tight to their roots, the harder thing to do than letting go to become a better assimilated immigrant.
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