Talking Over

Food for thought in this interview. Among other things, getting along and just letting things be is the worst way to get to know someone - that is logical. In relationships that truly matter, that should be not be the standard but for everything else, it often is. I was reading this piece while having lunch at work. I usually pick an empty table in the break room and eat by myself. The groups that form at lunch time are usually pre-made (these folks are also working on the same or related things) and its a bit odd to jump into their circle though I've done it sometimes. 

What is much harder for me to get into the flow of their conversations which is always about nothing. One person talks about something random for a bit, there are no almost questions or follow-ups on whatever it is that they said. Someone else goes next, same process. You have to get in there and take your turn when you see an opening otherwise someone else will jump into to talk their share of random. I find this whole process both confusing and stressful. So much better to sit it out and catch up on my reading. I tried to imagine trying to have a real conversation with this crowd never mind engaging them in debate or argument. 

My husband and I have been arguing for the past two days about something. I can’t tell you what is—it’s private—but it’s been nonstop arguing for two days. We spent yesterday at the Art Institute in Chicago. We were there for hours and we just argued the whole time. We kept trying to look at paintings, but we kept being drawn back into argument. It was very emotionally draining. We weren’t angry at each other, but it wasn’t pleasant. It was stressful and upsetting. But it also felt like, OK, there are big stakes here. And that does happen pretty regularly for us. We can discover that we’re not on the same page and it’s deeply upsetting. And then each of us realizes we don’t have to justify our view as much as we thought we did through the conversation. We’re trying to arrive at a shared view of the situation, but that could take a long time.

There was this one time that I joined one of these pre-made groups and asked one of the guys there who had recently changed roles about how he liked his new job. The table went silent and he was forced to respond which I don't think he appreciated very much. But it got worse because I asked a couple of follow-up questions which he responded to and by then the group had really had it with me.