Too Much

I was one of those moms that read a lot of books about how raising kids, specially written by medical professionals. My logic was that I wasn't trained to do the job and did not have role models I could readily emulate and finally each mother-child situation is different. Finally there was no second parent at home who could be a sounding board or hold me accountable. The wisdom of the experts was my way of closing the different gaps. Now as a parent of a adult daughter, I don't feel like I am done learning or am even doing it right. So essays like this one are likely to get my attention.

This board-brush, one size fits all approach of labeling parental behaviors as codependent oversimplify the real psychological impact of blurred boundaries in adult relationships. Cultural norms, the family conditions in which the child grew up and economic realities matter, but they can also excuse patterns that limit independence and hinder growth. Even in societies where multigenerational support is common, a situation where a parent’s identity depends on their child’s, can create anxiety and stall healthy individuation. 

The key issue isn’t offering help, but recognizing when it leads to mutual dependence that keeps both sides stuck. I have read a lot on this topic and the solutions are not all black and white. As a parent, who will experience positive emotions if good things are happening to your kid and negative ones if such is not the case. While it is not need to tied to their whole identity, chance are they will think about where they fell short if the kid is not thriving. There is little value in that as there is not much they can undo. However, that self-awareness could promote change going forward in a good way.

This one is particularly interesting to me. I enjoy helping J think through problems not with the idea of solving them for her but offering ideas that could allow her come to the answer on her own. She may try some of them but not the others. I seek her input on things as well, because she sees things and thinks about them very differently that I do. Her perspective can sometimes unblock me. I am not sure this is a pattern that needs to be broken.

According to family therapist Virginia Satir’s work on family communication patterns, this over-involvement often reflects the parent’s unresolved needs rather than the adult child’s actual requirements for assistance. The parent may be seeking to fulfill their own emotional needs through excessive involvement.