Thoughts On A Break

D's mom took J and D to the movies and dinner a few weekends ago. As she left our house she said to me "Enjoy a little break". She obviously meant well and indeed if there is one thing I have precious little of, it is time for myself. While I fully intended to make the most of the short break, I found myself growing restless altogether too soon. Once that feeling wore off, the house felt too silent and bare - like the life-spark had gone from it - I longed for J to be back and set things right.

I realized I am at that point in my life when I no longer know what to do with myself when I am not working or doing chores. Here was the much desired "break" someone gifted me and I had no idea what to do with it. J is twined so close and tight to my life that her absence even for a few hours becomes a strain. If anything this serves as a cautionary tale for me to wean myself from all-consuming all-encompassing Mommyhood.

This is an essential rite of passage I can defer for later only at my own risk. I loved growing up in a home where parents were available when required but never hovered too close for comfort. They both had a full life outside their identity as parents. To not be able to give J the same kind of space and freedom I enjoyed would be nothing short of being unfair to her.

Being a single-parent has had many challenges but the rewards of being a mother has always compensated for them. Somewhere along the way, I must have failed to see the signs of my own dependence on J or worse ignored what I did see. I may end up having a very normal, well-adjusted child for my efforts to that end but become the parent lacking some of the same equilibrium that I strive to build in my child.