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Being Ridiculous

It's good that someone took the time to write up what makes desis shape their existence around guilt. It can be argued that what ails the desi kid is not so unique. Many other cultures share the same problems - old cultures that have done it their way for thousands of years and don't believe anything needs to change. The fact that they have survived this long serves as "proof" that the traditional way works.

Of those who have been impacted by one or more of the factors the author lists, in building their edifice of guilt, some do a better job than others creating the carapace around it than others. This is not a problem limited to millennials either - much older folks have the same story, just that they have had longer to cope with it and the adaptations are such that it makes for that guilt to transmute into more toxic material to pass on to the next generation. 

Four of the eleven strongly resonated with me and I immediately shared this piece with J. Despite my efforts to end the cycle with me, I have no doubt I have brought things upon her that I should not have. I hope that with the benefit of youth she is able to root out what does not serve her well. The author says:

We as Asians have been conditioned to feel guilty about not being the perfect child/brother/sister/mother/father.

The list is actually a good bit longer - spouse/friend/employee/grandchild/relative/in-law and that may be short list of perfections a desi person is expected to achieve. If you are not God, its likely you would have fallen short on all counts to various degrees. With that your guilt can be a heavy weight to carry around every day of your life, impacting your ability to see interactions with the world without this preponderant feeling of having done wrong, continuing to do wrong, being called out for your imagined failures and more. When everything is tinged with guilt, no joy is complete, no relationship is without stress, anger, sadness or pain. If you raising a child while being so hobbled yourself, chances are you will fail them in a myriad of ways.

I had a pretty adverse reaction recently that was triggered by this amorphous mass of guilt I have carried and added to all my conscious years. It made me act very uncharitably towards my best friend who had two short sentences for me to end what was becoming a very hurtful discussion "This is ridiculous. I am not supporting this line of conversation anymore". 

The interminable pause that followed got me thinking how indeed the apparently irrational behavior of a person driven by guilt whose sources are not visible or understandable to the world would rightly appear "ridiculous". People cannot adjust to what for all intents and purposes is invisible and therefore non-existent to them no matter how much they love and care for you. To survive the person must learn to resolve the guilt. There is just no other way. My best friend and I have since made peace and I am grateful for that. 

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