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Growing Up

J is an adult now and makes sure I don't lose sight of this important fact. We have more equal conversations now but there are times when we slip into old patterns. Not all such instances are viewed as negative by either of us - there is some fulfilling nostalgic value to these events and if short-lived. Recently, I was asking her if she remembered when she was a child, I did a weekly performance review with her - asked her how did I fare as mommy the past week. The intent was for her to provide candid feedback to the sole authority figure in her life without fear of consequence. It worked much better than I expected when I started this tradition.

She would offer feedback much in the manner of a good boss - start with the positive, raise the concerns and wrap up on a high note. Maybe it is what humans are naturally conditioned to do because no one taught J how to provide a performance review. I would offer my point of view in the areas she deemed I performed less than satisfactory - in some instances, I would accept that I had been wrong. 

After we had the talk, we both felt better. I believe it gave the confidence to negotiate with me as she grew older while still respecting my authority. Where appropriate, I promised to make efforts to improve even if I could not fundamentally correct my flaws - she appreciated the effort. J did remember the performance review chats but could not recall how often they happened. In hindsight, she thought it was cool but not something kids can routinely expect from a parent. Reading this story about attachment and therapy reminded me of this conversation 

that what happens between client and therapist goes beyond mere talking, and goes deeper than clinical treatment. The relationship is both greater and more primal, and it compares with the developmental strides that play out between mother and baby, and that help to turn a diapered mess into a normal, healthy person. I am referring to attachment. To push the analogy further, what if, attachment theory asks, therapy gives you the chance to reach back and repair your earliest emotional bonds, correcting, as you do, the noxious mechanics of your mental afflictions?
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