Setting Aside

My niece L got married at thirty two and everyone was happy for her. But that was relatively short lived. Given her age, the extended family started to wonder when they would hear the happy news - which means only one thing. There was none forthcoming in the last two years and then the pandemic happened. For now the expectations for her motherhood have taken a pause. In the meanwhile, L has been able to think through what it means to bring a child into the world with the man she is married to. When she views this decision through the lens of her parents' marriage and the degree of success they had with raising her and her brother, she is not entirely sure what the future bodes for her. 

Within my extended family she is one of many women who took pause around this age to make a decision about motherhood. The pressure to become a mother was nearing its peak and so was their uncertainty about that decision. Their marriages would experience shift in the balance of power, the child would force actions and compromises that they would otherwise not need to make. And finally, the option to leave if things did not work out would become untenable. I have know these women since they were kids. Some were born when I was in high school so I have maternal feelings towards them. I could say with some degree of confidence that in an ideal world they all would have loved to have children and made good mothers. Many among them teach in young kids in schools to fill the maternal void. 

Yet, none of them are married to men with whom the parenting journey is one they feel confident or eager to take. They would rather give up on maternal desire than complicate their lives in ways they cannot anticipate. Reading this story about Indian women choosing to be child-free because motherhood is overrated made me think about L and others in my own family. They say that too and there is some truth to that if you have no time, energy or mental capacity to be a parent.