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Before and After

Was looking through some old pictures last of J and I last night and was filled with a sense of absence of one of three dimensions. In many of the pictures, J appeared to be making an effort to smile when it did not come naturally. This was a very hard phase of our lives - a time of misadventure and mistake. In some pictures she looks at me curiously as if wondering why I am headed down this treacherous path. She is too young to have the words or the questions to shape her thoughts but her expression is unmistakable. 

There are pictures of J from a period before this one and after when the third dimension of her happiness is back. It is tentative at first, like she does not fully believe that the tough times are behind us. Then like sunshine through clouds, her smile is back. She is happy and has moved in the direction of her dreams. Seeing those mirthless pictures of my child from a long time ago left me sleepless for the night. That time is gone, the days that J found nothing to smile about cannot be relived - this time correcting the mistakes I made. I have to take comfort that there were good years before and after. 
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