In Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell recounts the events of the Jerry Sandusky case and lot of what has by now faded from public memory returned to mind. Once the level of noise reaches the certain level it drowns out what is actually going on. As a parent who had always been hyper-vigilant about my child when she was growing up, I would have always erred on the side of caution to keep her safe. There was the time she told me that an older man at a place she volunteered at often complimented her on her looks and her clothes. She said it made her queasy though he had never done anything- she did not feel safe around him. I remember asking her if she felt confident she could take care of herself knowing the risk because this would not be the last time she would encounter such a man - she would have to learn to navigate. Maybe this could be a relatively low-risk way for her to learn.
J was about thirteen then and looked very uncomfortable and clearly wanted strong direction from me. At that moment, I decided she would not return there to volunteer anymore. That decision impacted how the rest of her school years would shape out - it turned out well for her but for another kid in other circumstances, it may not have. The man used to email her often at first and then he faded away from her life - each time she heard from him she relived that discomfort.
If at some point there were allegations of abuse to come forward about this man and someone were to ask me what I know, I would tell what J told me back then - maybe my perception of her level of discomfort. It would not confirm anything. How a kid feels in the situation matters more than anything else, a third party observing an interaction and feeling something is amiss, also matters. But none of that may meet the legal standard of abuse. The interview with Sandusky that Gladwell includes in his audio book made for deeply uncomfortable listening even after all these years.
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