One of my goals in 2020 was to make peace with my father. The year came and went, covid remained and very little changed in my relationship with him. Time after time, when I start down this path I begin with gratitude for all that he has done for me - and there some big ticket items in that list. But for him, I would not have sat the engineering college entrance exam for instance. He never thought that was a good career choice for me but once I made a decision, me made sure I did not back out. Career wise everything followed from that morning he took me to the exam hall and told me to give it my best shot. He made me believe that was all I needed to do.
In the early years of my independent life I went through a lot of confusion and soul-searching not sure if I wanted a career or want a family and if these things could even co-exist. I believed that they could not and if they did one or both would be highly imperfect. I wanted perfection somewhere not all around mediocrity which seemed to be my fate.
We exchanged long emails and hand-written letters on these topics. Sometimes these discussions would spill over to the occasional phone conversation. Back then I had no personal phone and had to pre-arrange a time when I could take it call with some relative privacy. All this communication helped me stay the course and learn to make decisions on the fly, not come to a grinding halt.
He took it upon himself as was the norm in that time to find me a match - he went about this tireless, soul-crushing and often humiliating job relentlessly. He was determined to find me a good husband and despite his efforts he failed resoundingly. The marriage was very short-lived but I got J out of it - the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. When I told him, I had made up my mind to leave the marriage, I asked him if would support my decision - the answer was a unflinching yes ofcourse.
My father navigated me out of that phase of my life in real tangible terms - he walked the talk. Even though we have very different visions for my future he did the best he could. He and my mother helped me raise J. When I run through that list, I know anything but feeling of gratitude is in error. And I am grateful. The lack of peace always came from the path we took to get to the different milestones that turned out to be pivotal in life. He always did what was needed but he wore me out with his unrelenting negativity, pessimism, irrational fears of the unknown unknowns, emotional outbursts and much more.
It is analogous to driving a car that has a variety of problems and needs many stops along the way to deal with its quirks but it never fails to get you to your destination. You just budget some extra time to deal with its issues and you get there. Imagine this is the car you used all your life and you never failed to make an important appointment if you were willing to deal with the aggravations - lack of air-conditioning, lack of heating, noises that are hard to diagnose but the kind the mechanic tells you are not serious. Every trip you run into a new type of issue.
The car keeps you on edge, you dread every trip you take in it but you have no choice. You make it to your destination just like everyone else you know. Just that they drive "normal" cars and they don't have to plan their existence around its multifarious ailments. Chances are by mid-life you get bitter and disappointed about this car. People have seem to have settled, predictable and comfortable relationships with theirs but you never hit your stride. Your efforts over the years to fix what is broken yield very unsatisfactory results. Some noises disappear but new ones appear. It is never easy. That is my life with my father.
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