Work has been a series of upheavals lately with stress oozing through the collective pores of my co-workers. There are such times of major unrest when it everyone is impacted one way or another. On one of the hardest weeks I had a chance to spend a few days in a small beach town - found a cute place on at price that could not be passed. It was a working week still with long hours and the insanity continued unabated. But the change of scenery and being by the ocean atleast at once a day restored some balance. J called to chat on one of those days and wanted to share some things that her bothering her - the usual challenges of being out in the world as a working adult and being unsure of what this is all about. At some point I lost the hard-won balance and reverted to being the mother who only sees a to do list when with her child. The things that are left to be done hung like a cloud in that space between us that is supposed to be warm and nurturing. That was how it was for most of her pre-college life at home.
She has long since moved on from that stage but I cannot see beyond that "left to be done" list even today. The nature of items in that list are very different now than they used to be back then but to her they speak of judgement and treating her like a child. She clammed up immediately and told me she would appreciate the advice without the disrespect. In the moment that made me even more frustrated and we wrapped up the conversation in somewhat of a confused state. Talking a walk through the town later in the evening, I started to replay that conversation and the things that triggered my actions. The things that are "left to be done" will be there for ever and my mood will drive how many items I see on that list. I realized that I need to find a way to rationalize that list that hangs perpetually between us and in an ideal world there would not even be a list anymore. That thing stands between me and my ability to connect with J as a grown woman.
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