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Familiar Sounds

I got into a bad place last night where every word had a triggering effect on me,  We had just planted lilies around the crepe myrtle in the front yard. It was hard but very satisfying work - unlike getting rid of a dense row of invasive bushes working every weekend for over two months. Planting the flowers for me was a way to escape my worries of the moment. These days I envy the Rs who live in the house behind mine. They are retirees with two grandbabies that were born within a month of each other. The Rs went from being the people who got the community together to completely oblivious of their surroundings. Those grandbabies have consumed their whole lives in the best possible way, For the first time, I understand what envy feels like - I want what they have. They are retired, surrounded by three adult kids that live in a hundred mile radius of the home they grew up in. 

Two of them are married and recently had babies. The third is still single. R's have a full life - a blooming garden where everything is flourishing. Their actual garden is beautiful too - something they have outsourced to a landscaper who does a good job. I don't want to do that route so I have what I have. And that is true about parenting my way versus theirs. I wanted J to have wings, fly away as far as she needed to - and my wishes have come true. My kid has not been home for over a year. The last time she was here, it was only for a couple of days and this time it will be the same. 

Unlike the R's kids, J is not ever going to come around after work or over the weekends - the visits will be few and far between. My garden will look bare and overtaken by the wild. R's will look controlled and pristine. An allegory for our relative life choices. I heard squealing babies there today and the familiar thump of basketball being shot through the hoop outside their garage. 

It was their youngest son shooting hoops - much like he used to do when I moved to this house over a decade ago. More things changed, more they remained the same for them - not at all for me. Maybe that was what was driving my testiness. I cannot change my wants and they are what they are - I still want J to fly far and way, find her own bliss in ways I could never imagine. I want those things even though it means giving up all those comforts the R's have. 

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