My colleague L has been on H1 visa for over 10 years now with no line of sight to permanent residency. In a team call earlier, he mentioned that he had lost is favorite aunt who was like a mother to him. His mother had died when he was only a few years old. Effectively, this woman was his mother. So the gravity of the loss was comparable. He went on to clarify that he will not travel out of the country for the funeral considering the risks these days specially that his wife and kids are here, their life is here.
I spoke to him 1:1 after the call - I have been in the same purgatory as he is in. I too lost loved ones that I was very close to. It was not even the most uncertain times like now - I was just risk averse and did not want to rock the boat for J. What if on the off-chance, something went wrong. That would require a complete redo and rethink of J's and my life. When weighed against my desire to be part of my loved one's last rites, practical considerations won every time. I was not able to reconcile those loses for years, my mourning was interrupted by everything I needed to do to survive.
It made me feel less human and more robotic - and it made me feel ashamed of myself. Back home, everyone understood the situation and I was not blamed for my absences, but I continued to blame myself for the longest time. L will go through all of that and more - he had effectively lost his mother and from what I could tell it was unexpected because the aunt had been in good health. He will need to rationalize his absence, his inability to join his family for her last rites, he will need to ask himself what kind of example he is setting for his kids by his actions - as much as they are guided by forces well out of his control. We did not go over any of that but he knew I understood his situation with a degree of intensity not everyone else in that call could have. None of them have ever been in our shoes and how fortunate is that.
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