The full force of my introversion hits me when I am on stage facing a large audience without the benefit of a podium in front of me. The physical barrier creates the isolation I need most desperately in such a situation. On a whim recently, I took to opportunity to speak at a conference where I would have to be centerstage atleast to begin and then get behind the podium. That in itself was a big leap for someone my age without any prior exposure to this format and size of audience. But that was not scary enough for me. I decided to go without teleprompter or notes since the time centerstage was much smaller compared to time behind the podium. I also did not make it in time for dress rehearsal and no one knew that this was my first time.
On the day, I felt like the words dried out of my mouth anytime I looked at the sea of people in front of me. I survived and did better than survive behind the podium but the experience was deeply unpleasant. It was not always like this. I grew up fairly comfortable on stage as a kid was not particularly fearful of public speaking. This event made me ponder when the tide had turned so sharply. With time and age, I felt like I diverged more and more from what I view to be mainstream and "normal". This is self-inflicted because no one has actually said this to me. People have complex lives and the level of complexity can be much higher than mine. The difference is likely that they have not self-attested themselves as deviant and used that tag to then grow uncomfortable about their place in the world. I have done those things for some reason that I yet to fully understand.
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