Skip to main content

Jenga Tower

Towards of end of 28 Summers, Hilderbrand drops this pearl of wisdom upon the reader.

.. Mallory doesn't understand the architecture of his marriage. Ursula doesn't want to deal with the issue head-on partly because she can't summon the emotional energy and partly because she is afraid if she pulls the wrong block, the whole Jenga tower will fall.

Having observed more than one marriage from the outside where one side was unfaithful and the other seemed to turn a blind-eye to the obvious, this explanation could well be the reason why most such marriages don't fall apart. If the straying spouse is doing what they do out of boredom,  the desire for a shiny new toy and so forth, chances are the desire to keep stepping out, spinning the elaborate web of lies such things demand, will wear off in time. 

One has to assume the conditions at home are mundane, uninspiring, aggravating but not abusive. Given enough tine, things will return to equilibrium, the one straying will come home. It is up to the party who knows what is going on but pretends not to, to decide if letting time to do its thing, is worth their while. Because it does save them having to summon up and expend a ton of emotional energy that a confrontation will demand. The capsized Jenga tower of a functional marriage has no redeeming value either. It will only prompt pity from those who are keeping their intact. 

The real tragedy occurs when the aggrieved spouse decides to pull a block in a moment of distress, see if the marriage will hold - hope that will be the sign they need to stay. Nothing good comes out of such a move and the edifice is rattled badly even if not completely flattened. I am thinking of one marriage I know of where the woman bore the indiscretions of her husband stoically for over two decades and when I last saw them, there was every sign of peace. To his "credit" he always treated the wife like she were a princess. In return, she did not fuss about his bad behavior. They had an understanding, Given that they got married right out of college and are together thirty years later despite many upheavals, their marriage is far from a failure. Like Mallory in the story, most outsiders would not understand the architecture of this marriage. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Part Liberated Woman

An expat desi friend and I were discussing what it means to return to India when you have cobbled together a life in a foreign country no matter how flawed and imperfect. We have both spent over a decade outside India and have kids who were born abroad and have spent very little time back home. Returning "home" is something a lot of new immigrants like L and myself think about. We want very much for that to be an option because a full assimilation into our country of domicile is likely never going to happen. L has visited India more often than I have and has a much better pulse on what's going on there. For me the strongest drag force working against my desire to return home is my experience of life as a woman in India. I neither want to live that suffocatingly sheltered existence myself nor subject J to it. The freedom, independence and safety I have had in here in suburban America was not even something I knew I could expect to have in India. I never knew what it felt t...

Under Advisement

Recently a desi dude who is more acquaintance less friend called to check in on me. Those who have read this blog before might know that such calls tend to make me anxious. Depending on how far back we go, there are sets of FAQs that I brace myself to answer. The trick is to be sufficiently evasive without being downright offensive - a fine balancing act given the provocative nature of questions involved. I look at these calls as opportunities for building patience and tolerance both of which I seriously lack. Basically, they are very desirous of finding out how I am doing in my personal and professional life to be sure that they have me correctly categorized and filed for future reference. The major buckets appear to be loser, struggling, average, arrived, superstar and uncategorizable. My goal needless to say, is to be in the last bucket - the unknown, unquantifiable and therefore uninteresting entity. Their aim is to pull me into something more tangible. So anyways, the dude in ques...

Changing Pace

This blog has been a big part of my life for the last five years. Besides giving me the opportunity to connect with a number of interesting people and share my thoughts and ideas with them, it has been a form of daily meditation for me. No matter what the day threw my way, I made a very deliberate effort to find a little quiet time to write.The process of thinking about what to write and then the act of writing itself worked as an antidote to aggravations big and small. Five and half years ago, when I started Heartcrossings both my personal and professional lives left a lot to be desired for. The only real happiness I had was in being J's mother. While that was often enough to make me forget what I did not have, I sorely needed a third place to call my own and shape in the likeness of my dreams. This blog has been where there were no limits or constraints and that was absolutely exhilarating - it is the reason I have been able to nurture it for as long and as much as I have. A lot ...