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Quality Time

Read this story soon after the I wrote about bread-sharing. In this model both are bread-winners by their comportment. The make the system work for the family by hiring expensive but reliable help. Child rearing is a lot about mundane chores and driving kids to their activities. It is not the fun, glamorous and value-added stuff. Some like this family have the means (and desire) to outsource that part and focus on quality time. 

As I write this, I recall a conversation I had with my mother as a child. She never worked and that was normal for me as it was for most kids of that time in India. Our mothers stayed home, took care of family while fathers went out to work. Yet there were a few exceptions - kids whose mothers were doctors, teachers or held some government job. They were a minority and stood out for that reason. 

I asked my mother how those mothers were able to take care of the kids if they were gone most of the time. I remember her answer to this day and it may have been very influential in my own motherhood. She said its the quality of the time a parent spends with the kid that matters not the quantity. That it is possible to be always available physically yet never emotionally engaged leaving the child feeling desolate. On the contrary a mother who is a doctor can focus intensely on her child once she is home. She can make those few hours count and fill the child's world with love, warmth and care. 

That answer made a strong impression on me. For one I could tell my mother admired women who had a career unlike her and what is more she had no trouble giving them credit for being good mothers too - it was not exclusive. Her words made me believe that if I could carve out quality time no matter how little and really make it count, then I could be a good mother and have a career. Reality turned out to be a bit different for me as I would find out. J needed quality and quantity with great intensity. I was not able to offer either to the extend it was desired. The the focus on quality was definitely helpful and that came from that one random conversation in my childhood that I never forgot.

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