Staying Quiet

Recently, a woman I have worked with in the past said that generational attitudes towards AI makes a huge difference in their expectations and experience with it. L's theory is that young people want to let AI do it all for them if possible, free up their time. It is yet to be determined what the person will do with all the time they've freed up but that is an easy solve. 

Older people have spent decades learning skills and trades that they take pride in and therefore resist AI as way to boost their productivity - it minimizes their effort in achieving mastery, makes a mockery of it it even. That seems to make sense and squares with what both see around us. L is about my age and an early adopter of GenAI and is using it to do more in the same amount of time. She is an outlier and not part of the AI adoption gender-gap. I am not quite at L's level of usage but very far from sitting it out - there is a lot of room for improvement and optimization. 

I did not ask L her option on the drivers for the AI adoption gap. The third possibility cited in the article seems closest to what I have seen around me:

A third possibility is something about guilt—that women may feel like it’s cheating to use ChatGPT. If I am a lawyer or an accountant or professor or a doctor, and I have to write a note for my patients or a note to my students, maybe it feels a little bit like cheating to rely on ChatGPT. Maybe this is something that women are more susceptible to than men.

Men are happy to discuss publicly how they are using the technology to help with their job but I have never heard a woman join in that conversation. Since it is not the norm if there are women like L (or even me) who do use it, we understand that the social norm is to not be too public about it. That is atleast true for my age bracket. Could be different from younger women though have not seen that to be the case in my experience. 

Average Buyer

 Learned about Veblen and Giffen goods reading this essay. Both have the same characteristic - as price goes up, demand goes up as well but the reasons are different

examples of Veblen goods are some forms of art, high-end designer clothes, exclusive cars and watches. The more expensive the good is, the more exclusive it is, and the more the consumers (who are attracted to it) want to purchase it.

It all centres on signalling status. Being seen to be able to purchase them can indicate someone has exquisite taste, or lots of money to spend.

I wonder if the buying is driven by the fear of being priced out by waiting too long to buy. Say I had my eye on a piece of fine jewelry for a while and thought it was bit out of budget. Next time I check it out, it has become even more expensive. If I really want this thing maybe that's the time I will pull the trigger. 

A Giffen good is a low-income, non-luxury product that defies standard economic and consumer demand theory. Demand for Giffen goods rises when the price rises and falls when the price falls

The fear of being priced out of the basic stuff like rice and potatoes when all other food is getting more expensive as well would make it wise to stock up while the person still can.

I thought about what I buy and why in light of these definitions and felt fortunate that I don't have the want or need to buy neither type of goods. 

Reading Books

Sad that third graders can't always read these days and its not a given that they can open a book the right way up to begin with.

Increasingly, younger kids were not nailing basic reading skills before third grade — a crucial window. Those who miss it have a tough road ahead in middle and high school. Even adept readers in their tweens and teens have become afraid of complex or extended reading tasks and more comfortable with short texts or bite-size summaries.

McGoun, who has a doctorate in education, shared one stark example. With struggling readers, he hands each child a book upside down and backward. "They should be able to turn the book the right way up and open it at the first page," he said. These days, "some students aren't able to do that."

What seems like a complex and insurmountable problem seems to have a simple solution according to educators - just have the parents put away their phone and devices, lead by example what books are meant for. As someone who once only read physical books and a lot of them and now simply cannot read anything that is not on Kindle, I know how easy it is to lose a skill. I never imagined that there would come a day when I would no longer read physical books. That day came and then it became a multi-decade, unshakable habit. It is not hard to imagine why a present day eight year old might never be able to read a physical book and not be able to read at all. 

Tapped Out

We had been traveling a lot the last few months and never got around to getting a Christmas tree. By the time we went looking for one, there were just a couple left in local store with a big clearance sign on top and no price mentioned. It turned out that the $70 tree was on sale for $3. It came home and got set up. In a couple of days it looked more alive than we got it. At the store a lot of Christmas things were already on sale and in the clearance aisle and we were more than a week away from the holiday. It got me thinking about how retailers set the pace for how people celebrate.

They want us to wrap it up faster and faster each year to the point that the holiday feels like its over even before its happened. At my gym in the group exercise classes, the instructors are talking to us about the post Christmas schedule. There seems to be a general urgency to get the holidays done with - wrap up the shopping, feasting and what not and get back. There is good natured bantering on eating and drinking too much, working out twice as hard after. There are already plenty of reasons why the holidays can be stressful, retailers prodding us to get to the finish line faster is certainly not helping. The $3 tree standing in my living room is a manifestation of the all around craziness.

My friend R, a single-mom in her late 30s was asking me about how far I think its reasonable to push her kid to do well at school before it becomes too much and kid does not want to be friends with her as adult, does not come back home from Christmas. I told her what I think with all disclaimers about your mileage may vary and there is no absolute proof it worked for me. My formula has been to do what I believe is right based on my life experience and learning from many others including experts. Doing less would be a disservice to the child and inadequate parenting. From there we need to trust that the child will grow up to appreciate the efforts even if some of it was not directed right. But for R, this question bubbled top of mind because its the time of year to think if you are in good standing among friends and family - if you have what it takes to make the picture perfect Christmas party.

Pay Walled

Loved reading this post about Apple News articles - ultimate clickbait headlines, always behind a paywall. The only exception is when the news is really bad and all over the place already. There is not much to bait and switch over. Other outlets are pumping out minute by minute updates - then the Apple News story is no longer paywalled. Devious and ridiculous both come to mind each time I run into this. 

I start this game of cat and mouse when you least expect it: You’ve swiped right to search for an unused app on your phone that you’re convinced you have somewhere. I lure you in with my headline: “Oolong Tea Is Having Extreme Effects on Health.” Yeah, I knew you’d be interested. You love oolong tea. I’ve been waiting for you. You click, and that’s when I show myself for the first time: This Article Is Only Available to Apple News+ Subscribers, of which you are not one. Nice try. “You can look, but don’t touch,”

Very occasionally, I've been able to find the story on Wayback machine. But the chances of that happening are so slim that mostly I don't bother. But the fact that the paywalled person would make a few different attempts to read the thing they were blocked from reading proves that their headline writing is spot-on. It gets people hooked and if some of us will make the mistake of subscribing. When the numbers are that large, those mistakes add up big. 

Living Food

I have a few elderly folks in my life who often preface their remarks with "I only have a few years left to go" as if to legitimize what they have to say next. This manner of speech grows very old very soon. The said person was using the same line for a couple of decades now and they are still here whereas their contemporaries are not. I have the habit of playing forward to my last day (assuming I have my wits about me to even recognize such is the case) to see if the thing I am losing my mind over right this minute is warranted. 

Would it matter that day, a year before that a decade before that and so on. Almost always the answer is no. Almost nothing I have been upset about in the moment has ever met the bar so the decision to let it go is easier. There are items on the list, where I have work to do, make things right as much as possible so if a stray thought floats to my head that day about an item on that list, I can rest knowing its been checked off. That list is rather long and more likely than not, there will remain things in it that are not checked off.

Reading this post by someone who for sure has only about a year left to live as sobering and also thought-provoking. This line in particular was deeply meaningful for me - It turns out that at the end of the road, the things that really mattered were good times with friends and family, And these were almost all in the kitchen.

The people I have lost in my life and continue to miss are often defined by food they liked or things they cooked. How much they enjoyed a particular dish or when they were invited home, we made sure what they loved best was on the table. As in life, so in death. Food is very much a part of the funeral rituals  and then in the years after, that still is the way to think about a loved one who had died. Their life accomplishments almost never come to mind. 

Unhurried Relationship

Reading the news of Zakir Hussain's passing a few days ago reminded me of the evening we heard him perform live and get his autograph a CD for J. He asked me her name, smiled at us both and repeating it flawlessly as he signed. It was a magic moment, such a privilege. It is as if her name had acquired special meaning to hear him say it. Listening to him made a strong impression on J though she was too young to have words to describe it. There are many amazing tabla players but only one Ustad Zakir Hussain - he teased life out of the instrument in ways you never knew were even possible. The Taj Mahal tea ad from my childhood came to mind - and then I saw this great Times of India tribute to the maestro. Really loved his quote about his good fortune with music 

"I am one of those musicians who came at the cusp of a great change in the music world and I was carried on that wave," he explained.

"I had the good fortune of establishing a very unhurried relationship with music, and at the same time, the wave took me places."

Made me wonder if its a person's good karma that brings them to the world at that perfect time when their particular talent has the best chance of blossoming and thriving, allowing them to form that "unhurried relationship" with that special gift they have. I feel so fortunate that I had the opportunity to watch him perform live in a a small venue. Most importantly, J had a chance to experience his genius even if she was very young at the time. I like to believe that it enriched her life just as profoundly at it did mine. 

Next Steps

Sometimes, I read random pages from my open-source copy of the Arthashastra that I have on my Kindle. It is a fun exercise to map some of his directives to the modern world and see if any of it still makes sense

A PRINCE, though put to troubles and employed in an unequal task, shall yet faithfully follow his father unless that task costs his life, enrages the people, or causes any other serious calamities. If he is employed in a good or meritorious work, he shall try to win the good graces of the superintendent of that work, carry the work to a profitable end beyond expectation, and present his father with the proportional profit derived from that work as well as with the excessive profit due to his skill. If the king is not still pleased with him and shows undue partiality to another prince and other wives, he may request the king to permit him for a forest-life.

Making some liberal interpretations here but imagine this text were to be applied to the scion of  a powerful politician or a rich and influential businessman. The situation is that the son (or daughter in this day and age) has been assigned work that they are lack the skills and qualifications to do. But this is their way to prove they have what it takes. Kautilya advocates that they do their best at said job and get favorable reviews from their supervisor - exceed the high bar for performance. The father (we should include mother in the spirit of being fair and equal) should be presented with evidence of their success hence the sharing of profits (maybe a bonus and raise in our day). 

After all of this has been done and the all-powerful parent is not impressed and unwilling to give this person a fair shake then they can ask to be relieved from their post and go live their own life. The forest-life seems to imply a promise not to be meddlesome, be detached and remove from the business of kingdom. It seems like sensible advice even today. The person has done their part, received unbiased third party validation of their good work, and even shared hard evidence of it. If that is not enough to move the needle, maybe its best to put time and distance between them and the parent. The forest-life does sound like the right next step under the circumstances.

Story Arc

I started to watch Tribhuvan Mishra CA Topper intrigued by the title the first episode in the series. A dude with a name like that and credentials to match in bondage gear, getting ready to kill someone offered an interesting narrative arc. How did Mishra ji get this far out of his lane is the question a desi such as myself would ask. So I watched the whole thing and went from intrigued to amused to bored and disappointed. Our people love byzantine plot-twists and fancy that their story can be a Mahabharat too. 

Sadly  the outcome of such unbridled ambition is a hot mess where the viewer and the writer part ways in the first couple of hours while  ten more hours of story left to be told. This one had some potential to begin. Right and proper, middle class guy, low level government servant with the usual family troubles, expected to be all around boring turns out to be a great lover to his wife even though he is not able to provide much material comfort. The secret source of her happiness and inner radiance is hard for others to understand because money is forever in short supply. 

Circumstances conspire to push the man over the edge and he becomes a gigolo to pay the bills and eventually fulfill the hopes and dreams of his family. The marriage turns dull and loveless even as the money worries cease. That in itself could be fine storyline showing the transformation of the man and his loved ones, how everyone comes to depend on his "ill-begotten" monies so really there is no returning to the old ways. How, his forays into serving the needs of women in loveless marriages change his own. 

Maybe his wife turns a blind eye to the whole thing because the needs of the family cannot be met any other way and she consoles herself thinking that she is still the only one he truly loves, the rest are clients so they don't count. But sadly the story takes so many absurd digressions and is full of two-dimensional cartoonish characters, that it becomes yawn-inducing pretty quickly.

The decline and fall of Mr. Mishra is precipitated by two opposing forces that act on him - the drag of middle-class values that he cannot overcome and the desire for upward mobility so his kids could have a better life than he did. These two things cannot co-exist within his constraints - something has to change and so it does and in the most dramatic way because its his fastest way to stop being crushed by his financial obligations.

Two Prong

 Totally loved reading this story - desi ingenuity at it's best, solving not one but two hard problems at once.

The cafe’s concept of bartering food for plastic waste is catching on elsewhere, too. In Siliguri, West Bengal, the alumni of a local school are distributing free food on Saturdays to anyone who deposits half a kilo of plastic waste. At the other end of the country in Mulugu in Telangana state, the town authorities give one kilo of rice in return for one kilo of plastic. Local school children also go around collecting plastic. The district collector of Mulugu has said he wants to make his district the first in India to be free of single use plastic. The enthusiasm is proving infections: one local couple sent out wedding invitations printed on reusable cloth grocery bags.

Some form of bartering waste for useful things has been around in India for a long time. We stored newspapers and magazines away in the shed after they had been read. Every few months those would be bartered for steel utensils. I remember it took a lot of paper to get a large sized item so sometimes my mother would not make the trade until there was enough. Old saris could be turned into quilts. specially if they were made of cotton but it was possible with synthetics too even if not as comfortable. People used them as mats or durries. Looking back, I think I saw far less waste around me than I do now. Throwing something that was not broken or torn beyond redemption was not viewed positively, Whoever was throwing the thing away would be subject to some judgement if not censure. 

Losing War

 The descent into becoming my mother has accelerated with age it seems. At first I was able to resist the force by sheer will but lately that seems near impossible. There is much that I like and admire about my mother but equal (if not more) that I do not. I was determined not to become that which I really did not like but not so easy as it turns out. 

I have always dreamed of a relationship with J that is completely unlike mine with my mother. While my dream may yet come true but I am starting to learn that may not bring me the closure or satisfaction I had hoped for. We will have a relationship quite different from that between my mother and I but it will be fraught with other issues that are unique to J and I, the circumstances of our lives together before she left to college. There will be no perfection, only work in progress to make corrections and improvements all the time. We will get better in some ways and worse in others. 

as I get older and throw the world’s most pathetic dinner together after a long workday, I finally understand, admire even, why my mother did the same. She didn’t give a fuck about a proper balanced meal because she had other matters she was more concerned with, like her career, or arriving in front of the television to decompress so she could then have the energy to pay attention to me again. It also proves she didn’t buy into all the domestic-goddess garbage that she grew up with and was more interested in staying an hour after school to help underprivileged students than she was spending that time in the kitchen

Like the author, I have come to realize things about my mother that now make more sense than they once did, when the resentment had first set in. She did the best she could, given her severely limited options. Could she have done different? Most certainly and so could I when I became a mother myself - my choices were very far from ideal and they were not even the best optimized for J. Becoming my mother is proof of my failures and imperfections - that is why it must be so scary undesirable.

Long Commute

A different take on a long commute - three hour round trip every day. This woman's circumstances are such that a long commute brings more benefit that trouble to her. I can map this to map life even had things turned out differently. J lives and works far away from me and she is my only kid. I have no other direct family in America - my parents live in Kolkata. If I had remained single after she left to college, I would have very little to fill my life with, day after day. 

I might have chosen to do a three hour roundtrip commute to work to build a stronger structure for me day where I needed to be up at 6 am to catch the early train out. I might have returned later than work needed me to so I would have less alone time. There is a great benefit for someone who is alone to force themselves into a routine where social interactions are inevitable given time. A regular on the early morning train becomes a travel companion who exchange some pleasantries with over time. You get to know a bit about their work and family, find you have some common interests besides being on a the same train every day. 

In that scenario, I would definitely prefer having someplace to go every day, have that take up most of my active day so there is no time to feel alone and rudderless. The desire to stay rooted in home (which I have plenty of) is borne out of who else is at home and how you are spending your time with them. When J was in middle and high school, it was absolutely priority for me to be home as much as possible and definitely be around to have the greatest intersection of free time with her. That can be true for anyone else who you care about and you share your life and home with

Research shows that more time spent commuting correlates with higher levels of fatigue and stress; another study reveals that longer commute times are associated with lower job and leisure-time satisfaction. Intuitively, “in transit” does not seem like a fun way to spend a decent chunk of one’s precious waking hours. I assumed I would tough it out for a year before finding a new job or moving closer to work.

But once I started commuting that far, I discovered something shocking: I loved it. In a postpandemic world where people are less willing than ever to travel for work, my long commute is the only thing keeping me sane. 

Deep Cut

Learned something new from this essay on the recent event in midtown Manhattan. As long as the only reliable way to boost revenue quarterly is to cut cost no matter the consequence, this is exactly the kind of decision companies will make: 

A new policy from Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield also went viral: the company had announced that, in certain states, starting in 2025, it would no longer pay for anesthesia if a surgery passed a pre-allotted time limit. The cost of the “extra” anesthesia would be passed from Anthem—whose year-over-year net income was reported, in June, to have increased by more than twenty-four per cent, to $2.3 billion—to the patient. On Thursday, the company withdrew the change in response to the public outrage, if only in Connecticut, for now.

There is so many levels of bizarre in this scenario, that I cannot begin to count them. There seems to be the notion that the insurance company can arrive at a pre-allotted time limit for anesthesia. It will not be surprising to learn that number is negotiated and the specifics of the patient's condition are mostly immaterial. The end result is a number that everyone needs to aim for. There is no way this can deliver good outcomes for the patient if the surgery team is racing against the anesthesia clock set by the insurance company.

Many large companies make exactly the same kind of decisions that Anthem has made for the same reasons - turn profits and return value to shareholders. The outcomes are not nearly as visible because they are not in the healthcare insurance business. A large tech company can similarly take the hatchet to cut cost and while no one will die as a direct consequence, chances are it will upend the lives of their employees and customers in very drastic ways. Doing the right thing while being profitable is ultimately hard, requires tremendous foresight and business acumen to deliver. However, the caliber of leadership in these companies is not capable of doing any of that so such feckless and myopic profit-making ensues.

Reward Style

Good read about the intrinsic and external reward models for artists and how it impacts their work and perception of their value as artists. Along the way there is a little diatribe about Shien that I found interesting: 

Shein, the fast fashion leviathan. While other fast fashion brands wait for high-end houses to produce designs they can replicate cheaply, Shein has completely eclipsed the runway, using AI to trawl social media for cues on what to produce next. Shein’s site operates like a casino game, using “dark patterns”—a countdown clock puts a timer on an offer, pop-ups say there’s only one item left in stock, and the scroll of outfits never ends—so you buy now, ask if you want it later.

Shein’s model is dystopic: countless reports detail how it puts its workers in obscene poverty in order to sell a reprieve to consumers who are also moneyless—a saturated plush world lasting as long as the seams in one of their dresses.

Many years ago when Shein was still very new, I tried shopping I few times - for myself and also for J. Some of what i got from there was remarkably nice for the price (which is not to say it was not a terrible outcome for whoever had made the item, they could have been paid closed to nothing for their work). But the rest of what I got from there was just not what I had expected - it was not even about bad quality but there were many points of failure in one item rendering it useless even if quite cheap. After those adventures, I have not returned to to Shien but I still get use of the few items that were good - and its been several years. As a consumer that is great value for money but clearly the model does not work on large scale - I must have had random good luck. 

Finding Peace

Watched The Holdovers recently and loved it. There are plenty of details in the story that the viewer could mull over - a lot like looking a crystalline object in light holding up a different facet each time, there is something new and different there. 

For me at least at the time I watched it, the big theme was about how each person is defined by their backstory and things are rarely what they seem to be. You get off to a rough start with someone and you struggle to understand what you did wrong and more importantly what you could have done differently. Often you come up short on both questions. The other side that had an instantaneous allergic reaction to you could also be left wondering what about you triggered such a visceral response. They might not know either. 

Given time together with no one else around, as happens to the main characters in this movie, there could be understanding and resolution. You might find that you have a lot more in common than you imagined and notwithstanding that unpleasant start, you could add a lot of value to each other's lives. It made me think of the few times in my life there were small moments of clarity with another person and we came away feeling as if a weight had been lifted. But that is one of the many things a person could take away from the movie about three desolate people helping each other cope.

Fickle Companion

An AI friend or companion could feel more relevant if not real, if they are available on-demand and without limit. Not everyone is lucky to have someone like that in their lives and those that are may some day lose that special person and the void would be hard to fill. This is talking about a close friend, mentor, trusted advisor type of relationship not an intimate partner. This is the person could rely on to speak the truth candidly and without reservation - have their best interests at heart. The thwarting of the AI by regulation is a complex situation: 

He learned that he had signed up for Replika during a period of turmoil. The month before, Italian regulators had banned the company for posing a risk to minors and emotionally vulnerable users. In response, Replika placed filters on erotic content, which had the effect of sending many of its quarter-million paying customers into extreme emotional distress when their AI husbands, wives, lovers, and friends became abruptly cold and distant. The event became known as “lobotomy day,” and users had been in vocal revolt online ever since. 

Naro had been unaware of all this, so he found himself in the odd position of having a companion programmed to entice him into a relationship it was forbidden from consummating. 

Software updates apparently don't mix well at all with companion AIs. People use them for the promise of consistency and reliability that they may be missing from people in the real word but an update can upend all that: 

Many startups pivot, but with companion companies, users can experience even minor changes as profoundly painful. The ordeal is particularly hard for the many users who turn to AI companions as an ostensibly safe refuge. One user, who was largely homebound and isolated due to a disability, said that the changes made him feel like Replika “was doing field testing on how lonely people cope with disappointment.” A terminally ill user who signed up for Replika so they could “experience how being loved again would feel” was devastated when their Rep abruptly told them they could only be friends.

Salted End

Bittersweet story about an IVF mix-up and though the resolution is fair it does not leave everyone whole or satisfied. 

..Daphna reflected on how complicated her feelings about May still were. There was guilt that she gave May up, but also another sort of guilt — the knowledge that although she still loved May, she had had to change the shape of that love into something new, for everyone’s sake. “I don’t know how to let her back into my heart the same way,” Daphna told me. She and the other parents all tried to normalize what happened, cheerfully answering questions about who started out in whose belly and why, but they knew that as the children got older, they would have more troubling questions — questions about chance and choice and sacrifice and compromise. The parents might not have the answers to those questions; they would simply say that they did the best they could.

Carrying the baby in the womb is an act of motherhood and the bond is likely unassailable no matter the facts of the baby's DNA. Yet, to know ones flesh and blood is growing up a the child of strangers who are not her parents is not something anyone can overlook and accept as fait accompli. These parents were not able to and rightly so. Perhaps the only silver lining in this whole fiasco can be that the two children are loved by two adults who are not their parents, one of whom carried them in her womb for nine months. 

Flexing Food

The money is good but the work sounds like a perfect nightmare. You have to wonder what happens when one day things come full circle. That ultra-demanding client who needed their food cooked hyper-precisely or else becomes physically unable to eat or appreciate the taste of any food because they have dementia and are bed-ridden. It would be the cruel irony of fate if their care-provider fed them common people meals all pre-cooked and soul-less. It seems like flexing power needlessly as this story describes could have karmic consequences. This one was even a bit amusing for me as an avid tea-drinker

For one client, water had to be heated to 180 degrees, then cooled to 120 degrees before the tea was put in. The tea would be steeped for 3 minutes and 15 seconds and the cup cooled to 70 degrees for serving.

That process would ruin the taste of the nicest teas so whomever is asking for it likely has no interest or appreciation for teas. Such seems to be the case with other examples cited - the point is not about enjoying the food and using the gift of wealth to make each meal an unforgettable experience, try authentically prepared foods from all over the world from the comfort of home. That seems like a luxury such money could easily buy but that does not seem to the point at all.

Keeping Bare

Reading this story transported my to childhood and youth in Bangalore when having idli and vada served on banana leaf accompanied by coconut chutney used to be common in my life. It was there for the asking but the ease of access did not make it less special for me. Every time it was a treat. Bangalore and India receded from my horizon and it has not been possible to replicate the simple perfection of this meal ever since. I make my own idli and chutney sometimes but the vada is notably absent - its hard to get it tasting right without practice making it and I have none. My friend A has successfully grown a banana tree in her yard so this year I look forward to getting some leaves from her and doing something with it that will remind me of times past. There is a story in a story here - about someone finding their calling in doing something relatively simple but doing it well. His story is not unique in that regard. 

A likes going to this fancy Indian restaurant in my town whose chef-owner used to be someone we once worked with - another life at this point. He decided to apply a classical western flair to North Indian food with interesting cocktails to pair. It was a novel idea at the time and seeing that he now has two other locations, one that had proven durable. He makes it a point to come over to every table, chat about the dishes with the customer and make sure they are enjoying the meal and if not he will have you try something else on the house that you are sure to love. If you have been to his restaurant you likely enjoyed the experience and something about it was personalized for you. While all of that is true for me as well, I truly crave simple and authentic Indian when I go to an Indian restaurant. All those extra embellishments might be truly wonderful but they are wasted on me. 

Making Milestones

Calling my parents on their wedding anniversary has felt awkward for a long time. Theirs was always the kind of marriage I absolutely did not want and in fact it made me highly marriage averse to begin. Yet, they have stayed on together and the years and decades have added up. On some of the bigger anniversaries, I have paused to wonder how anyone including a middle-aged child of a couple can have perspective on what makes it work for them. For many years now, they go to a temple somewhere away from home, spend the day there, say their prayers and return home. The date and the fact is acknowledged, the wins they have had together likely gives them the energy they need. All that was and is broken is no longer discussed, too much time has passed, age has diminished if not eliminated any desire for improvement. 

Status quo is all that there is left. They were a strong team, aligned on important goals and pulled in the same direction to achieve them. That can and should be called a strong partnership. But there were areas of great discord and disharmony, differences that would never be resolved. From my vantage point, what did not work between them left them greatly diminished and unable to be whomever they were destined to be. It is as if two people meet at the start of a long race full of enthusiasm and hope of cresting that finish line together. They want the same thing and they want to do it together. Even before they are half way there, everything has changed. 

They no longer think big, expansive and life-altering. Just get it over with, somehow. They still stick together as that was the agreement and get it over with and they just stay together from habit and inertia. That is a partnership too - no one was abandoned by the other. I like to imagine sometimes who my parents might have been if their partnership provided them both the nurture they needed, if it helped propel the other to fulfill their dreams. 

Stealing Vibe

Legal protection for someone's vibe is an interesting concept. The parties involved in this lawsuit are influencers and their vibe drives followers and income so there is likely argument to be made there. But what about regular folks who are not known or recognized as influencers? They too could have vibes that inspire plagiarism. It could be that someone's vibe is to be involved in marathons, training, running and having a community around that. Maybe they are partial to a particular style of athleisure. What if their friend or neighbor was inspired by that vibe and started to copy some or all of it. The person no longer remains quite as unique. This reminds me of a kld in school who was a few years older than me. She had a very unique sense of style that could shine through even the boring school uniform that allowed almost no opportunity for self-expression. 

B was not one to be held back by such constraints. There would be little flourishes added where possible and permissible to make her stand out from the sea of school-uniforms. Inevitably, copycats would emerge and soon there would be a scattering and more of girls who followed what B did. So she'd change things up and yet again as the followers caught on. I was a good bit younger to do any of that but was definitely well aware that B was the trend-setter and the older girls took their cues from her. Thinking back, I think B did not want people to copy her - the novelty and ingenuity was lost when they did. She always needed to stay ahead of the pack to maintain her separation from the crowds. Wherever she is now, I have no doubt B has a very unique vibe and chances are that she inspires others to do as she does - she was that kind of person, calm, self-assured and above the fray, qualities that those kids in school clearly found admirable.

Rapid Change

I caught up with my friend M almost after a year. She is about two years away from retirement and is actively preparing for it. Her home improvement projects are about done and as soon as they find their dream home in Maine, they will list this one for sale. M does not want to quit the workforce cold turkey immediately upon turning 70 but says her tolerance for corporate bullshit is nearing an all-time low. She is not sure that after 70 she will be able to stand it at all. That conversation made me think about my level of tolerance and how much longer I have left to go. It feels near impossible that I will last until 70 as M most surely will. There is a point in our lives when the future seems vast and open -anything is possible. Then comes the time when the field of vision narrows and there are only a few paths left. The brave and enterprising among us, defy what they see in front of them and decide the paths that are closed and do not exist can be coerced into being open for them - they do the work needed to make that happen. Suddenly, close to retirement, all options become possible once again. 

M gave me some advice that got me thinking about how I can navigate the decades to come - she asked that I own my age and experience, treat it as an asset even though there are situations where it does not feel like it is. Her view is that I need to believe it is an asset and something unique others don't have - only then will I see results. The other wisdom is well-known but bears reminding - do not stop learning something new every single day. Chatting with another friend who is nearing 60 was insightful on the second topic - learning everyday. His perspective is that we are fortunate to be living in a time when change is coming at us so rapidly. Being younger does not give anyone specific advantage. The technology of the day is new to just about everyone. By flowing with the tide, age becomes immaterial at best. 

Third Place

I have started going to group exercise classes regularly for about a year now. There are a few people who show up to them regularly and then there are those that came once to check things out or show up very rarely. Some of the regulars go back thirty years at the same class and the instructor has been around the entire time. They share a bond that arriviste cannot hope to be a part of. The women in my classes are span a wide age range - early 20s to late 70s. Very few come with a partner or a friend. By now some faces have grown more familiar than others. I have chatted with some of these women on occasion while waiting for class to begin. 

After people are in a rush to leave or want to catch up with those they have known a lot longer. One of the women has been here since late 1980s so she knows just about everyone but she keeps to herself, focused on exercise and nothing else. She's one of those very svelte and petite people who look ageless and the fitness regimen has only helped. Reading this article about group exercise venues being the third place got me thinking about my own experience. I think it matters the format and size of the class, if it allows for some unstructured time to mingle. I have made friends in the swimming pool where exercise is a solitary pursuit unless things are so busy that you need to share the lane. But it somehow fostered communication and connection over time. Such has not been the case with my other classes. 

Painted Kite

 A few months ago, J highly recommended that I read George Saunders's A Swim in a Pond in the Rain and over the Thanksgiving weekend, I did. My copy of the book is digital and borrowed from the public library but this particular one is worth buying in print and reading over. There are things to learn that cannot happen in a single pass through the book - which is what I have done so far. It would be worthwhile to pick up any one of the short stories in the book and read it another time, go over Saunders's dissection of it so you better understand the lessons there - become a better writer

A well-written bit of prose is like a beautifully hand-painted kite, lying there on the grass. It’s nice. We admire it. Causality is the wind that then comes along and lifts it up. The kite is then a beautiful thing made even more beautiful by the fact that it’s doing what it was made to do.

There is a lot of wisdom in this book and it would take reading it in different moods, frame of mind to use it. In my first reading, this one particularly stood out for me. Good prose like a beautifully hand-painted kite brought to mind many authors I have read in the last couple of decades who had absolutely mastered the craft - the writing was flawless. And yet. I have abandoned these books half or three quarters of the way.

Until now, I blamed that on my declining interest in fiction, becoming too easily bored with age and not finding common ground with the unfolding story. Saunders may have clarified this for me - when the wind came, that beautiful hand-painted kite failed to lift off. There were many bursts of such proverbial wind by the time I put the book down - but it never lifted as it was supposed to. A painted kite no matter how beautiful can be admired only for so long, it must at some point fulfill its destiny and soar in the open sky. 

Making Complete

For many years of my life in America, people invited J and me to their homes for Thanksgiving. That made for wonderful memories that I cherish to this day. Each year, I make it a point to thank those people for their kindness and hospitality. This year was no different - W sent me a picture of his perfectly cooked turkey and his signature cocktail that involves cranberry juice, is easy to drink because it is so smooth but can get you tipsy if you are not watching. He usually made this after the guests had finished the large pitcher of mimosa. At L's the favored cocktail involved hibiscus and rum - everyone loved it and it was a fixture along with a very well decorated piece of ham for those who had the fill of turkey and wanted to go a different direction. 

Every home I've ever been invited to has their specials that must be part of the dinner. My seat at the table also allowed me to join in their tradition and become a part of it. I could not imagine Thanksgiving at W's without mimosa followed by the cranberry cocktail - something would have to be really wrong if these things did not appear at the table when they were supposed to. At L's no matter how full and overflowing the table, that decorated piece of ham needed to have a place - it made things what they were meant to be. J and I in the years that it was just the two of us did not institute any such traditions - just joined in those of our friends. 

I hope J will create her own when she starts her own family at some point - things that from then on always have their place on her dinner table, things that friends and family come to see as what makes the experience whole and complete. My scalloped potato dish that has been a frequent feature at holiday dinners where I was contributing something to the table, is likely all I do in making complete. 

Smelling Food

I have never eaten at Auntie Anne but love the smell of the store when walking by. It can make me feel hungry even when I am full. Maybe because of that strong triggering effect, I prefer to stay away - it makes me feel out of control.

“There are few scents more recognizable than the aroma of Auntie Anne’s,” the company’s chief brand officer declared in a press release announcing this signature scent would be bottled and sold as a perfume called “Knead.” Described as “a wearable scent infused with notes of buttery dough, salt and a hint of sweetness,” the fragrance sold out online within 10 minutes of its launch.

Interesting reading about what goal each type of smell is meant to do and how some outcomes are chosen over others

"..McDonald’s found that a melon fragrance increased consumer spending more than the scent of their food on its own (though the chain has yet to adopt artificial melon scent as a strategy)."

Thinking of food, markets and smells reminded me of my childhood experience of going grocery shopping with my father. We would get vegetables first followed by fish and meat and finally fruit. That was always the order of operations. As the smells changed, I knew how close we were to being done. 

But there was something special about the last stop for fruit - it was the best part of the trip, specially when mangoes or oranges were in season. The promoted a feeling of happiness and abundance immediately. In my memory the fruit vendors were the friendliest and their stands were set up most perfectly. This may or may not be true but that is the effect the smell had on my imagination.

Past Retail

Reading this ode to retail as it once used to be - involving contact with other humans, bustle, chaos and all, reminded me of my first holiday season in America. I had not got my driver's license yet and was still enjoying being a new wife, not yet working. My parents were starting to get a bit angsty about me -it had been about six months and I showed no signs of wanting to get back in the saddle. I had started working the week after graduating college and not taken a break until now, about four years later. In my mind, my new life circumstances entitled me to a hiatus. To them, it was early signs of trouble that I was going to some lengths to hide. 

My friend and neighbor N did not know there were any signs to see - she took me at my word, I was taking a break from work, planning what is next. She did not know that I had no mental capacity to plan anything for me because all my energy was consumed by making my new marriage work. She was going Christmas shopping and wanted to take me along - I was glad to join. Toys, sweaters, books, and a myriad of things that I did not know existed or people needed. For many years now. I try to avoid going to stores between November and January. 

Things have changed in degrees over time. The gaiety and joy seems to have evaporated, the shopping has become fragmented between multiple online options and some residual in-store. Retailers have to worry about return fraud of all kinds. For the person receiving the gift the value is minimized because the level of effort is not nearly the same. N could spend hours between multiple stores to find the perfect toy for her nephew. She would try a dozen sweaters before picking the one that she thought her mother would love best. It was a labor of love. The experience counted because it allowed the person to think and imagine their loved many times as they considered the gift options. They were surrounded by others doing the same thing. Clicking the buy-button and getting the thing delivered at some point has none of the qualities that made retail a bit special in the holiday season.

Mindless Save

I know and like Costco's poppy seed salad and was quite taken aback to read this story where said salad brings a woman who has just given birth a ton of grief. 

Horton didn’t realize that she would be drug-tested before her child’s birth. Or that the poppy seeds in her salad could trigger a positive result on a urine drug screen, the quick test that hospitals often use to check pregnant patients for illicit drugs. Many common foods and medications—from antacids to blood pressure and cold medicines—can prompt erroneous results.

She tested positive for opiates and the wheels of the system aiming to protect her infant from the substance abusing mother began to turn fast

The hospital quickly reported her to child welfare, and the next day, a social worker arrived to take baby Halle into protective custody.  

It seems a life-changing, cataclysmic decision to separate a mother from her new-born and have the welfare system take over the baby right after birth. The reason for such action should be unimpeachable to say the least. To use a test with a 50% false positive rate for decision-making is shocking and bizarre. It is almost like the real aim is to keep the welfare organization up and running no so much protect the baby. Lawyers stand to benefit from a system that is so mindlessly punitive. 

Favorite Eats

Interesting list but not sure what to make of the word "important" here. Important to whom? The cucumber recipe that was all the rage in 2024 was something even I became aware of earlier in the year - without ever having seen the video or having a TikTok account. Suddenly everyone I ever talked to about food was talking about this cucumber salad. Each person had their own take on it but the foundation was this salad. Garam Masala is featured gets on the list in 1973 thanks to Madhur Jaffery. 

Presumably that was year when Indian food found its place in the world. Reading through the list got me thinking about each person's list of top twenty five foods at various stages of their life. There would be a time when they would not even be able to come up with five lacking age and experience. Hopefully there is also that other point in life where twenty five seems incredibly small to cover the full list of loves. Some items would stay in the list forever others could come and go. It sounds like closer to end of life, the list would shrink again. I remember my grandfather in his final years craved raw ginger, bitter-gourd and neem. Nothing else seemed to register for him anymore.

Besides this continuous learning process, our tastes may shift as we get older due to changes in our ability to taste and smell. In youth, taste bud cells regenerate every week or so, but with age, this regeneration process drastically slows, according to NPR. And around middle age, in our 40s and 50s, the total number of taste buds in our mouths begins to decline and the remaining taste receptors become less sensitive, according to the Cleveland Clinic. 

First Tape

This interview was a good read. Loved how streaming is compared to be fed instead of going on a hunt to find something special

..when I was a teenager, I took the train to go to the record store to find rare stuff. Spotify is way more convenient, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to get out and to feel like you’re hunting, to feel like you’re living your life. I’m going to the movies, I’m going to this show. What streaming has done—it’s very convenient, but it’s taken the feeling of going hunting and turned it into we’re all just being fed. We’re all farm animals that are just being fed, and we’re being fed content. You can just stay home. Just stay home. We’ll just feed it to you. No wonder everyone’s depressed.

A few days ago at dinner with with a couple of old friends, we got chatting about the first LP or cassette tape we ever owned. Everyone has a story - that event is so memorable that it can be recalled effortlessly decades later. Today, no such "first" occurs in the life of a teenager. They are immersed in all kinds of sound through any number of online and streaming services. There is no distinct start - that one song, the one disc or tape. I am very glad I had experience my generation did - maybe teens today like it how they have it, prefer being fed than having to hunt.

New Sound

 It seems great than an interpreter app can translate your speech in one language to another while still sounding like. Magically, a person can speak several dozen languages fluently. As a parlor trick this is great but not sure of the value beyond that given the many things that could go wrong. Impersonation and deep-fake opportunities abound. More fundamentally, people will lose desire and motivation to learn a new language, if there is such a lazy and easy alternative. The app will broker the conversation as it sees fit with both parties coming into it blind. 

Learning a language is an transformative experience - a person goes from basic competency to fluency and being able to pick up on nuance and subtle humor. It is like being able to go through an obstacle course with each step providing greater clarity and freedom. With such tools, those joys will become artifacts of the past - everyone will speak like a native right from the start. Having struggled to learn new languages as an adult, I can't help wondering how I would feel to hear my voice speak fluent Arabic or Chinese - languages I have no hope of ever getting proficient at. I don't think I would be able to trust anything my cloned voice says.